Today I started my morning with a plan. I’d do normal things and choose to be by myself rather than be by myself because I have no choice. I realise that this sounds like a strange thing to think but I also believe that if you believe that you choose what you are doing (even if you have no choice), your brain will settle slightly.
My initial plan didn’t quite go as expected I have my boyfriend’s car now he’s left for the USA and mine is in a scrap yard due to me skidding on ice two weeks ago and I cannot get the goddam thing into reverse. Resulting in much embarrassment in Sainsbury’s car park. I also managed to rip the cat litter bag on the car door. Resulting in an explosion of tiny white pieces that will forever be ingrained into the carpet and I split petrol down the car. Good start Madeleine.
Do the washing, put it out, change my sheets, remember to eat. Success.
Put on 13 year old walking boots. Lace snaps. Crap.
I reset my brain again. The sun was out. Walking is always so much nicer when you’re not bundled up and in the first lockdown, this helped me come to terms with many thoughts. I also don’t get much of an opportunity to crank up the volume on my headphones and zone out as the gyms are closed, so this was a welcome opportunity to get some vitamin D on that pale skin and try and get the endorphins going.
It’s an understatement to say that where I live is beautiful. Suffolk countryside has always given me hope, calmness and contentment. Not feelings that I visit frequently without relying on others. I was choosing to be alone.
My music keeps me company and I can process my emotions by letting them consume my brain. I have nothing else to think of apart from one foot in front of the other and my direction of steps. Of course I have a target for how far I want to go. I’m a teacher, I always have an end goal. Honestly!
This is my meditation.
I start back at work tomorrow. It’s likely to be incredibly full on and we have to prep for the eventuality that Boris sends us back on the 8th of March. Not that I wouldn’t welcome this. I miss the interaction and face to face learning that I actually got into teaching for. I miss the pupils telling them they’re proud of themselves and the random bits of stuff they bring in and give you out of their colouring and craft sets. My gifts are mainly based around coffee. The children believe I do not function without coffee. Of course, they’re entirely correct.
Being outside in the sun and letting thoughts ebb and flow reminds me that I do love some things about my life. No, I don’t have the most ideal living situation. Yes, I hate some of the things that come along with my job. No, I now don’t get spooned most nights by the one person who calms me. But I do have good things.
Today I chose to be alone. Being alone did not choose me. That for today was enough.